Like a long, distant plane ride. You are up there in the night, above the ocean. Your back hurts and you are counting hours until you land. You are trapped, sitting in a tiny seat, all cramped up. You probably need to use the bathroom but don’t want to wake up people sitting next to you. You definitely don’t want to be stuck in the toilet when and if turbulence hits hard. You want a glass of water but the flight attendant seems so far away. Finally, you try to sleep. You are fighting white noise in the background, but your eyes won’t stay shut. Is it because you are so uncomfortable or maybe you are too excited because you are finally travelling?
All you want is to take a long shower, lie down and sleep like a normal person. You think to yourself–why am I doing this, is it worth it? Seriously, a 24-hour trip so you can walk your ass of through unfamiliar streets eating unfamiliar food. All that for 10 hours a day just so you can be tired all over again?
The other night was dramatic. It was 2.15 AM and she was up like the sun is shining and the birds are chirping. But it wasn’t and they weren’t. It was a dark, chilly night, perfect for a good night’s rest. No birds, only a couple of cats. Of course, I got mad at my 6-month-old because I was sure she was doing it on purpose. So, I pushed my brain hard to remember all those bad feelings from the past 6 months. Nothing. So, I pushed even harder. What is wrong with me? I am obviously angry at this situation life is putting me trough and all I can remember is her first smile? Come on my negative self, where are you? Where did you go? Stop being so cheesy and romantic! I pushed even harder and still nothing. I will remember later, I promised myself.
I love it and yes, it’s worth it. Through all that back pain and discomfort there is positive anxiety and happiness. You know it will pass and you will land at some point. You will have a cup of coffee and smell your favourite airport perfume which some years ago you couldn’t afford. For sure they have it because it’s one of those big airports which has those huge duty free shops you visit 10 times during layovers.
So last night, again, my little one didn’t want to sleep alone. Maybe it’s teething or maybe it’s not. I was frustrated but more relaxed than the other night. We sat together in a rocking chair in our living room. Traditionally I turned on the white noise and started browsing for a new carpet. A few hours earlier my husband and I decided our living room carpet is just ugly and we need a new one. Somewhere in the middle of my night carpet research I realized that whichever carpet I choose now, at 3 AM, is probably the wrong choice.
My focus shifted to a promise I made to myself 2 nights ago. Again, I thought about my past 6 months all over again. Couldn’t find anything. Don’t get me wrong, it was a bumpy ride but how can I think of the bad while holding her in my arms.
I was tired, my back and legs were failing me. Of course, I needed to use the toilet. Again, I was trapped in my seat, tired and thirsty, fighting white noise in the background. I felt calm and nostalgic.
It was like that shitty long plane ride I hate so much that I would always do all over again.